An Important Change in the Oilers Locker Room

For anyone who has ever played a sport, had a lot of down time or done a lot of travelling, what you use to fill that time is of the utmost importance. For the Oilers, we’ve received word, that in the past a good game of cards; was among the tops on the list as enjoyable bonding and time filling exercises. So too, playing cards had been used as a player distraction from the pressures of a big game or to help relax a bit while travelling.

Unfortunately, a new set of rules hit the Oilers dressing room this past week that made it difficult for the Oilers to hold onto this tradition. In fact, the changing rules are so drastic, it may affect the ability of the team to perform on the ice. Our hidden insider was able to provide some in depth information about the new rules and regulations as it pertains to recreational card games and the Oilers locker room.

Below list the new set of rules as we’ve heard them passed to the players and coaching staff:

Rule # 1: At all times, card games should be played for fun and not money. Games are not to be taken seriously as hands and cards dealt can not be considered random. A number of instances where players are playing the same cards over and over have occurred, since the only member of our team able to shuffle; Craig MacTavish has left the organization.

Rule # 2: Go Fish, while not technically outlawed as a game option, is asked to be kept to a minimum. Management would like all players and staff to know; that should you attempt to go fishing, the likelihood that you’ll catch anything is slim to none.

Rule #3: Players cannot dispute the rules of the card game “War” with any staff member employed by the organization longer than 10 years. We hold that only those players know the true rules of the game, since the Oilers haven’t been to war with an opponent in nearly a decade.

Rule #4: 5 card stud is to be played over the alternative 5 card draw format when playing poker. We’d like all players to understand a consistent set of poker rules and we find the stud format easier for players to pick up since Oilers coaching and management have had trouble explaining how to win a draw since the 2006 playoffs.

Rule #5: If playing 21 (black jack), a player beats the dealer when any combination of cards reaches a higher total than the dealer but does not exceed 21. Should you exceed 21, that hand is considered a bust on the part of the player. For more information on the definition on a bust, see the terms Rob Schremp, Jason Bonsignore, Jesse Niinimaki and Alexei Mikhnov.

Rule #6: Solitaire is permitted to all players except Ales Hemsky. We ask that players assist the coaching staff in teaching Hemsky games that involve more than just himself as a player.

Rule #7: The game A$$hole is completely outlawed from being played in or near an Oilers dressing room. In the event that Dany Heatley were to join the Oilers organization, we ask that players refrain from games in which any attention might be brought to his presence in the dressing room.

Rule #8: In any game where pairs and combinations of cards are to be counted as a factor for determining a winner, a pair of 9’s will always beat out any other combination of cards followed by a pair of 1’s. A pair of 4’s is considered by management and staff the low hand in any game and to be immediately traded for any other combination of cards available. In fact, should you be sitting beside the player who is dealt a pair of 4’s, you are to immediately slap that person across the face.

Rule #9: Should any players require further explanation or video instruction on any and all card games, please see Kevin Lowe and Steve Tambellini who can point you in the direction of Dany Heatley's summer home in Kelowna. There should be no need to rewind said tape as the likelihood Dany Heatley has watched the tape is quite slim.

We thank you for your understanding and hope that you continue to enjoy your card playing experience…